Have you ever wanted to find out the secret to parenting? I sure wish I knew it. I’d slap a patent on it for sure. We are always looking for a silver bullet, aren’t we? Most times there isn’t one. So what about parenting? What do we need to do to be good parents?
First of all, let me say that I am definitely no expert in this area. Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have diligently tried but I’m not sure that I have done it that well. However, I did raise two daughters and was involved in raising two step-daughters. Surprisingly, they all have survived so far. Let me just say that it was not easy with four girls, particularly during middle school and beyond.
I will probably get off path a few times in this chapter but let me just say that step-parenting is quite difficult. You don’t really feel like you have authority to do much in terms of discipline and it’s often tough to navigate, especially when the kids aren’t receptive. I remember finding a notebook under my step-daughter’s bed that said, “ways to break up Leslie and Dad” with a list of ideas, some that had been implemented. And this isn’t that relevant but funny. We found my other step-daughter’s diary which said, “may whoever reads this have explosive poop.” Cracked me up. Can’t remember if I did…
When children are little, they sweet, cuddly and dependent on you for just about everything. Then, they begin to grow and go through stages such as walking, talking, potty training (which I was terrible at for kids – and puppies), starting school, getting their driver’s license, etc. Our parenting evolves until they finally leave the nest and are ultimately left to navigate their own path. You wonder: Did I do enough? Did I teach them enough to survive on their own? Did I give them enough foundation in faith to weather the storms of life? And my personal go-to – How bad did I screw them up?
My kids are in their 20s and I thought I’d be on cruise control, but that hasn’t been the case. Parenting adult kids is harder than at any other point – in my experience anyway. I guess parenting never really ends. I believe that I hurt more than they do when they are suffering or going through a difficult challenge.
I don’t know the secret to parenting but here are some tips – some from research and a few from experience.
Give them unconditional love
God loves us unconditionally. Thank goodness that it’s a love that isn’t based on our behavior, but on His nature. We certainly don’t deserve it, but He never withholds it from us. In the same way, I think that we should also show our children unconditional love. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be times when we have to play “bad cop” to teach them and hold them accountable. I’m in one of these periods now with one of my daughters where I have realized that I need to quit enabling her, but I will always love her.
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him”. 1 John 3:1
Realize that there isn’t one way to parent
All children are different and require a “customized” version of parenting. Know your child’s love language. I’m sure there is a book for that! We were each created to be unique and we are motivated by different things. Get to know your child’s special gifts and passions—and provide opportunities for your child to grow in these areas.
Provide your children with a good Christian foundation
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” Proverbs 22:6
Help to lay the foundation for your children by educating them about the Bible and praying with and for them. Ideally, you are involved in a church or Christian group where your children can establish roots and grow in their faith. Three of our kids didn’t engage much in the youth group at church. I wish that I had pushed the issue more. It was a very meaningful experience for the one that did.
Empower your children and allow them to fail
Life is full of trials and hardships. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to protect my children from going through difficulties. Of course they went through some by default, but I involved myself when I shouldn’t have at times to try to protect them. #helicoptermom
My oldest daughter went off to college not knowing how to do laundry, cook (of course no one wanted me to teach her that…), and a whole host of other things. She was perfectly fine to have me handle whatever I was willing to do for her, whereas my younger daughter was very independent and took it upon herself to get things done. I should have pressed and encouraged my oldest daughter to be more independent and do more for herself.
Be a good role model
I know that, as a parent, I have sometimes operated under “do as I say not as I do.” Know that your children are constantly watching your actions and reactions and learning from you. Demonstrate integrity, kindness, generosity, patience and compassion. Show them that you are trying to live your life as Jesus would want you to. Be a role model for hard work and instill in them a positive work ethic.
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity.” Titus 2:7
“…but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity”. 1 Timothy 4:12
Prayerfully discipline your children
I believe that children want and need boundaries. Hold your children accountable for their actions and behavior, but not in a demeaning or hurtful way. At times, I would ignore my children’s bad behavior or failure to listen. Remember counting to 10? I’d often count to 10 several times before taking any action. The action that resulted would generally involve yelling. Sometimes I would also ignore things that they did because I was tired or just didn’t feel like dealing with it.
When they were little, it was hard to discipline them because they were so stinkin’ cute. My younger daughter had imaginary friends – a lion was one of them. She would often throw a fit when we would get in the car to go somewhere because she said we forgot the lion. I’d go back in the house and come back out, pretending that I had him with me. She would smile knowingly, probably thinking, “sucker.” And there was another invisible friend she called Clyde, the snake. Precursor for things to come since she now has a snake. Anyhow, you should discipline your kids when appropriate, even if they are cute. Start ‘em young!
“Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.” Proverbs 19:18
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
Parent in partnership with God
Invite God to guide you in parenting your children. I went through periods in the “wilderness” of my faith as my children were growing up. As a result, I tried to parent using my own devices most of the time. My children’s father wasn’t a very consistent presence in their lives, so I tried to do it all. If I had prayed and let God lead the way, I would have made better decisions and would have been more successful at parenting. I am definitely doing a better job of partnering and praying now that I have grown in my faith. It’s never too late!
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6
In conclusion, realize that God gives us the privilege of raising our children for a short while – but they ultimately belong to Him. They are meant to be loved, nurtured, and returned unto Him.
REFLECT
Which of these things do you need to work on as it relates to your parenting?
What will you do to make this happen?
