Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear. (Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship)
Imagine hearing the following on a regular basis.
- You are stupid
- You are crazy
- You are an unfit parent
- You can’t do anything right
- I don’t want you talking on the phone with your mother anymore
- I wouldn’t drink if it wasn’t for you
- It’s none of your business where I’ve been, I just needed to get away from you
- You are lucky you have me, no one else would want you
Physical abuse is terrible but at least you know that it’s happening. Emotional abuse slowly chips away at your self-worth and kills your spirit. I was involved in an emotional abusive relationship in the past. When it started, I stood my ground and fought back, but, over time, I began to lose track of reality. When you are being emotionally abused, you begin to ask yourself questions like – Am I really crazy? Am I really an idiot? Maybe if I did this or that, things would be better.
Living within an abusive relationship is a slippery slope. I didn’t fully realize that my relationship was abusive until I met with a counselor. I was trying to do everything that I could to preserve the marriage. I told her that I had been keeping a list of all of the things that I needed to change to make the relationship work. She asked me what HE was doing to make things better and this began to open my eyes.
Nowhere in scripture does God condone any kind of abuse. In 1 Corinthians 13, God tells us that love is not rude, self-seeking, easily angered. Further, He says that it keeps no record of wrongs and always protects. (verse 4-7)
Malachi 2:16 says, “‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.’ So be on your guard and do not be unfaithful.”
I sincerely hope that no one reading this is currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. But if you are, there are some things that you can do.
Set and enforce boundaries
Clearly state what you are willing to accept and what you are not. Let the abuser know the consequences if they don’t adhere to your boundaries. Enforce the consequences EVERY time the abuse occurs with no exceptions.
Note that, when facing consequences, abusers often beg for forgiveness and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. If they return to the abusive behavior (which will likely happen), stick to your boundaries.
Build a support system
Abusers often will try to isolate the other person. But it’s critical for you to have a support system. This could include family, clergy, friends, etc. Although it’s difficult, you need to let some people in to help and support you.
Seek counseling
You and your spouse/significant other will need help to work through the challenges – as a couple, individually or both.
Pray and trust God!
Pray for the relationship, your spouse/significant other, and for yourself! Ask God to guide you on next steps and carry you though, whatever the outcome.
If you are/have been the victim of emotional abuse, please know you are not alone. And, even more importantly, know that God can and will bring you healing.
REFLECT
Are you – or have you ever been – in an emotional abusive relationship? If so, how could you use the information shared to help in healing?
Do you know anyone else that is in an emotionally abusive relationship? How could you support and care for her/him?
