The anniversary of the worst day of my life is drawing near. What I am sharing here is intensely personal and I am not looking for sympathy or condolences. I’m feeling led to share in the event that it helps someone else who has lost a loved one to suicide. So, here goes…
Almost one year ago (3/12/21), my mother committed suicide. She had a bad fall the night before and I had taken her to various doctors that day. She encouraged me to leave for a while because she was wanted to rest. When I returned to her house, I won’t go into the details, but I found her. It was the most traumatic, terrible thing that I have ever been through.
I have prayed, been on meds for depression, been to counseling, but I’m still admittedly struggling quite a bit. As the anniversary of her death draws near, an intense wave of grief has been washing over me. I believe that there is still a great deal that I have repressed and haven’t dealt with yet. It will definitely be a process as grief always is. One thing that I know for sure is that I would not have survived without my faith. If you are going through something similar, cling to Jesus. The follow verse has helped to reassure me that He is walking beside me through this difficult time.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).”
About six months after my mother’s death, I wrote this. It is more feelings that answers (I don’t really have those) but hoping it may help in some way, even it just helps to normalize your feelings.
Since your death, I feel so helpless and broken. I miss you more than you can ever imagine. So many emotions are swirling around. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel despair. These emotions ebb and flow from day to day but never go away. I know these feelings will subside with time, but the emptiness will always be there. You were the one who brought me into this world. You loved me fiercely and were always there to help and support me and my children.
I know that God is with me, but sometimes I feel angry with Him. How could He let this happen? Why didn’t He help you? It is said that all things work together for good, but what good can come from this?
I need to believe that God has been walking beside me in my grief every step of the way. If I don’t have faith, what do I have? Although I will never understand why this happened while I am in this world, I have to trust Him to carry me through.
Lord, I’m really struggling. Please bless me with your comforting presence. As Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” This reassures me that you won’t abandon me during my time of grief.
Suicide is on the rise with all that is going on in the world. It is the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S. I encourage everyone to enter the number for the Suicide Prevention Hotline in their phone – 1-800-273-8255. And be on the lookout for the signs and symptoms of suicide listed below:
- Depression
- Threatening to hurt or kill themselves
- Seeking access to lethal pills, weapons, etc.
- Talking or writing about death
- Expressing hopelessness
- Don’t seem to feel a sense of purpose
- Sudden behavior change – withdrawal, ending friendships, giving away possessions
I would welcome connecting with anyone who is struggling. I don’t have the answers, but we could certainly pray for and support one another.
Leslie Thank you for sharing June will be the 2 year anniversary of my sons death. He was 34. I found him I too hold on to my faith. If it weren’t for Jesus I surely wouldn’t have survived. It breaks my heart when I hear about very young children making the decision to end their life. I pray we can become better by raising awareness educating and being open in conversation Thank you for posting information on prevention.
Amelia, thanks so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine losing a child. I worry about my girls and hope that there is an increase in awareness so that we can stop the rise in suicides – with all that is going on in the world.
Just getting to this as it’s been a week. You are in my thoughts and prayers and especially this week. I’m here if you want to talk or just hang out.
Thank you Suzanne!