Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
My name is Leslie and I’m a recovering “people-pleaser”. For most of my life, I have been overly concerned about whether people liked me and looked for affirmation of my worth from others. There is an old adage that I believe to be true that says, you will never please all of the people all the time – and if you try, you will inevitably suffer in the process.
People-pleasers try to prove that they are valuable by pleasing others – and, by trying to do so, quiet the voice within that says they aren’t valuable. They believe that the approval of others will fill them, confirm them, and satisfy them. People-pleasing often requires saying yes to things that we probably shouldn’t and trying to perform perfectly so we don’t disappoint others. People-pleasers feel that a failure to please will result in rejection and they will no longer be valuable.
If your answer is yes to most of these questions, you likely suffer from people-pleasing.
- Do you accept responsibility for the happiness of others?
- Do you believe you can make others happy?
- Do you feel guilty when you think of yourself instead of others?
- Do you feel guilty when you tell someone no?
- Do you feel guilty when you think of yourself and your health and emotional well-being?
- Do you feel better about yourself when you give in to the desires of others rather than pleasing yourself?
I used to be an extreme people-pleaser. As I have gotten older, I am less concerned about whether others like me than I used to be. However, it still makes me feel good when I think that I have gained others’ approval. In my younger days, I wasn’t good at setting boundaries for myself to ensure that I was taking care of my soul. I have gotten much better at filtering requests through what is most important in my life. However, it still upsets me quite a bit when I feel that I have disappointed someone else or I feel that they don’t like me. I mean, what’s not to like? So clearly, I’m not totally over my people-pleasing tendencies.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
Luke 6:26
I like the Message version’s translation of this – “There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests – look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! Your task is to be true, not popular.”
In The Best Yes, LysaTerKeurst says that are three D’s that can tell you if you are in people-pleasing mode.
- Dread – you say yes to something or someone but internally feel a sense of dread.
- Disappointment – Every yes requires that you say no to something else which then can result in disappointment for you or others.
- Drama – The dread and disappointment are likely going to create drama in your life.
She suggests pausing before you make an impulsive decision to think through the three D’s, and ask yourself if you are doing whatever it is to impress someone or prove something.
If you are a people-pleaser, you should try to redirect your need to please others to focus more on what pleases God. Try to stop worrying so much about what others think or feel about you and do what you feel God wants you to do. I know this is easier said than done but look for urging from the Holy Spirit on what you should and shouldn’t do. Remember that you are valuable for who you are in Christ, not in other people’s opinions of you.
REFLECT
- Based on the questions in this lesson, are you a people-pleaser?
- How can you use the three D’s to help guide your actions?
- What actions will you take to focus more on pleasing God than pleasing other people?
