Many people think of conflict as being bad. That isn’t always the case – conflict can be a productive and necessary part of any relationship. When managed biblically and compassionately, conflict can serve as a catalyst for change and an opportunity to grow a relationship.
I’m not particularly a lover of conflict. As I have
become more “seasoned” (a better word for old), I have certainly become more
mature in my approach to handling it. When I was younger, I would sometimes
respond in anger in my personal relationships, often resulting in regret later.
I was usually able to keep it together in my professional relationships but
often just “stuffed” situations and didn’t deal with them – which isn’t very
productive and resulted in ongoing negative feelings towards the other party
involved.
Here are some guidelines for
compassionate conflict management.
Before
you respond to the situation:
Take a break, think it through, and pray about your response. Doing this may prevent crucial mistakes in the relationship.
Proverbs has some good advice that encourages us to take a pause.
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is his glory to overlook an offense”. Proverbs 19:11
“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Proverbs 29:11
Think about whether it is worth your time and effort to address the situation. If they say something about “your mama”, you know you have to address it… However, if it’s something less controversial, if may behoove you to consider letting it go.
Matthew 7:5 says, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
You should also reflect on your own attitudes, strengths and weaknesses and whether you may have contributed to the situation. It’s hard to believe but sometimes the problem may be more about US than the other person.
If you are moving forward with addressing the conflict situation:
Press forward slowly, with forethought and self-control. Jesus provides us with direction for approaching someone in a conflict situation.
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you won your brother over.” Matthew 18:15
I believe this is encouragement to go to the other person and speak with them alone – without sharing with others, without gossiping about it, and without trying to recruit others to your side. This will provide a much better chance of restoring the relationship.
Below are some additional guidelines to use:
- Plan a time to discuss when you are both well-rested and in a good state of mind to be objective and show compassion to the other party.
- Clearly define the issue and keep the discussion focused on it. I used to be really good at dredging up all kinds of things from the past (and MAY still do this on occasion). It’s best to stay focused and not rehash past issues or hurts.
- Affirm the relationship before clearly defining the problem. For example, “Our relationship is important to me, so I wanted to discuss something that has been on my mind with you. I feel hurt when you cancel the plans we have made at the last minute.”
- Show compassion and kindness through your actions. Once you share your feelings, lean in and listen actively to the other person’s perspective. Make sure that your body language, tone of voice and other actions convey that you are open to their viewpoint. No eye rolling, shrugging or sighing – even if you really want to! Summarize and reflect back to the individual what you believe you have heard.
- Propose a solution. When working toward a solution, consider Philippians 2:4-5: “Each of you should look not to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Strive for solutions that keep everyone’s best interests in mind.
What if the other person isn’t receptive to your efforts and/or willing to resolve the conflict? Then, as hard as it may be, forgive just as God in Christ has forgiven you.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God”. Matthew 5:9
REFLECT:
Are you dealing with a current
conflict that you need to resolve? If so, what steps could you take to move
towards resolution?
